Reawakening Female Desire
There are plenty of valid reasons why women turn off sexually over time. Off the top of my head, I see:
- Irritation with a long-term partner accumulates over time: that stuff, big and small, that gets shuffled under the rug
- Hormonal and life changes like childbirth, death of a loved one or menopause all may have an impact
- Never having experienced the incredible sensual and sexual pleasure --an ecstatic state or transcendent experience-- that is available to men and women through practicing some easy techniques.
Men, who are practical creatures with a high interest in sex, often ask me for tips on improving technique as if technique alone could re-ignite their partner's desire. And while an approach that is designed to slowly awaken female desire can create a greater level of pleasure and engagement for the woman they’re partnered to, but the truth is, a man alone can't re-ignite her desire. A woman has to want it for herself.
There are several options for a woman who wants to raise her own libido. Bio-identical hormones and supplements can boost health, vitality and libido. Learning Tantra as a practice to increase intimacy with her partner is a wonderful tool that can offer an ecstatic union for the two of them. Both of these options have the potential to create real and blissful change, but an even more fundamental exercise that a woman can use, alone or to build a foundation for the other options, is to create a daily self pleasuring practice.
Allow
me to clarify: self pleasuring is different from masturbation.
Masturbation is a tool that most of us use to scratch the itch quickly
so we can get on to some other activity. This sort of solo quickie is
also how we women give ourselves the orgasm (usually with exclusively
clitoral stimulation, often with a vibrator) that makes us feel "done"
with sexual desire, at least for a time.
- Touching, stimulating, arousing and caressing your body and genitals, purely for the pleasure of the touch and without seeking orgasm, helps re-train the flesh and the mind for greater potential pleasure. The focus here is on sensual pleasure, not on sexual release. In fact, you’ll want to stop or slow down the stimulation if you’re "too close" to the edge. Twice a day, about 15 minutes each time, will raise your awareness of your sexuality. If you can't fit in 15 minutes, make it three really focused, fully aware minutes. I use a timer so I can focus fully without worrying about the clock.
- As part of your self pleasuring practice, do Kegel (pronounced kee-guhl) contractions. If you do these while self pleasuring and focusing on sexual energy, then your body will make the connection. Just the act of doing Kegels alone will generate sexual feelings. See xx article for more on how and why to do Kegels. (Short answer: Kegels help both women and men to have greater sexual pleasure.)
- Make sounds while self pleasuring and making love. Humming or murmuring for pleasure moves energy throughout the body. You can also use the sounds of pleasure when something feels good (and no sounds for stimulation you don't enjoy as much) as a sort of positive reinforcement "clicker training" for your partner.
- Breathe! Usually when we’re highly aroused, we start breathing faster, hyperventilating or holding our breath. Continuing to breathe slowly and deeply will helps you stay more aware and present in your body.
- Imagine moving the sexual energy up the length of your spine and back down again to your genitals. This is a "fake 'til you make it" thing. Keep imagining it until you actually feel the energy move.
- Learn how to find and stimulate your "Goddess spot," G-spot or female sacred spot. Sign up for the AskAphrodite e-newsletter to learn more about G-spot stimulation.
- Use lubricant for all genital touch. You may need a lot of intense stimulation, including G-spot stimulation, to help you reach your orgasmic potential. However, “intense” should not mean"ouchy," or pulling on your delicate membranes. Coconut oil, or any cold-pressed oil, is a great choice, as are silicone lubes like Body Action Extreme Glide or Pjur Eros. Silicone is not absorbed by the body, so it doesn't dry out or feel tacky like water-based lubes do.
- Fantasize! A rich fantasy life will help to keep the fires smoldering. You don't have to start with rubbing sticks together every time you want to create a tiny spark. Need some help coming up with a fantasy other than a chance encounter with Antonio Banderas (or whomever lights you up)? Check out superblogger Violet Blue's erotica suggestions here: http://www.tinynibbles.com/erotica . There are free short stories, audio books and links to purchase books, including "Sweet Heat: Explicit Erotica for Couples," edited by Violet Blue.
And, when you are feeling ready, contact me and I'll provide a safe path to more pleasure than you've ever imagined!
(c) 2012 askaphrodite.com
The Super Easy Secret to More Powerful Orgasms
If there were one simple way to have stronger, longer, even multiple orgasms, one way to increase sexual sensation for yourself and your partner, what would you invest? How about a few minutes a day? That’s all it takes to reap the blessings of Kegel exercises, or, as practitioners of Tantric sex call it, mulabanda.
Toning the PC (pubococcyx) muscle offers an amazing range of perks for women, but they’re not the only ones who can take advantage of Kegels. Men who strengthen their BC (bulbocavernous) muscle can heighten their ability to become multi-orgasmic, learning to control ejaculation and separate the sensations of orgasm from ejaculation, a technique you can read about in an article entitled "Extending Pleasure for Men."
For both men and women, doing Kegels simultaneously with self-pleasuring practice can create a brain connection that makes just the exercise alone a sexually stimulating activity—and one that can be done anywhere or at any time! Who wouldn’t enjoy standing in line at the ATM or the grocery store a little more if they were feeling and building their sexual energy and vitality while they waited?
How Do You Do Kegels?
First, you--male or female--have to find your PC (or BC) muscle. Fortunately, it’s not difficult to locate: it’s the same muscle that you contract to stop the flow of urine. Try it the next time you’re in the bathroom. You’ll find that it feels like squeezing the anus but it’s more specifically squeezing your sex organ. As you women begin to practice, you may find that you can contract different sections of your yoni, or sacred space, the Tantric terms for the whole vulva area.
I first started practicing by reminding myself to do kegels every time I was stopped at a stoplight or stop sign so I’d have the red visual cue to remind me. I quickly realized how discreet an exercise it is, that no one could know what I was doing. I started doing them every time I thought about sex. As a sex educator, I think, write and talk about sex all day long. I have very toned muscles!
It's also possible to do a PC or BC muscle-specific workout. Some teachers recommend working out the muscle for 15 minutes --really hard-- three times a week and resting it the rest of the time. I simply practice every time I think of it and have never noticed any problems with overusing the muscle.
Women who are working out might consider trying an onyx egg (available at www.lovenectar.com ) which has a string attached. To that string, attach a little bag of pebbles. Insert the egg in your yoni (pussy) and practice dropping and lifting it, varying between short contractions and extended ones. You may want to put a little lubricant on it. Any cold pressed oil (like coconut oil, which is solid and melts at body temperature is great!) or a silicone lubricant like Pjur Eros or Body Action Extreme Glide, will work well.
I recommend doing short repetitions, about 10 in a row, contracting and releasing rapidly, and then a single long contraction while holding the breath before repeating the set. There are several variations of this exercise, each with different breathing practices designed to build energy or promote relaxation.
Men can perform kegels either while erect or flaccid. If you practice while erect, try putting a washcloth on your penis and lifting upward. Eventually, you may work up to wet towel lifts. This is a handy trick to master! During intercourse, you can use your cock to tap a woman's G-spot. Contracting this muscle also helps to control or delay ejaculation more effectively.
Remember you can squeeze that muscle any time you think about it. No one will know but you. Keep at it, and you'll be singing a new orgasmic tune in no time!
(c) 2006-2011 AskAphrodite
Tantric Sensuality with Shakti and Andrea
* The Sultan's Vacation -- Indulge in an array of sensual pleasures over a full, rich day or several days in beautiful, tranquil locations. Eat, drink, dine, dance, sing, soak in soothing waters while receiving the intense focus of two incredible Tantricas. The Sultan/Sultana or Couple who chooses this experience will walk away not only with a once-in-a-lifetime Tantra experience but will also have the unique opportunity to learn from experts how to give absolute pleasure to a willing goddess. Length of session: Three hours to several days. Pricing: Custom-designed to your budget
* Mini-Workshop -- Learn from two expert sensualists how to touch, stroke and stoke desire. Learning has never been this much fun! The smart student of sensuality who chooses the mini-workshop option will also learn by receiving the kind of touch that will drive your partner wild. Length of session: Two - four hours; Pricing: $500 per hour
* Four Hand Massage -- Enjoy the pleasure of being the sole focus as skilled hands soothe away your cares and carry you to the edge of the edge for one or more delicious hours. Minimum length of session: One Hour at $500 for two skilled, warm, willing and loving Tantricas Maximum Length...How much pleasure can you enjoy?
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About Shakti Shen
View video below
Shakti Shen is a National Tantra Teacher. She teaches tantra in various healing centers across America. She brings a spirit of freedom from practicing Tantra for 30 years. Shakti has developed Ecstatic Touch Kundalini Bodywork from her decades of study in the fusion of therapeutic and Tantric bodywork styles, and she brings this unique ecstatic art to life with her poetic and passionate teaching style.
You can view a video of Shakti talking about teaching Taoist Erotic Tantric Massage here: http://www.lovejourneytantra.com/taoist_massage.htm
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Contact askaphrodite.com to book sessions with Shakti at 805-904-5051 or by email. Appointments are available in Miami, Florida, Santa Barbara, Avila Beach or the Bay Area of California. Or, we will travel to your location! Read more about our practice of Tantra at www.erosguide.com
"Toys for More Joy for Women, Men and Couples"
I was mute during sex because I didn't want anyone to be aware that I ever had sex. I hid my one tiny orange vibrator because I was horrified to think that anyone might learn that I owned one. Now, I own so many different kinds of toys (in order to test them all so I can recommend the ones worth the money), my teenage twins insist I put them away before their friends come over!
I've come a long way in accepting my body and its desires. It's my deepest desire to give women and couples the opportunity to do the same.
Back when I was starting my journey of exploration, I wished for an experienced friend to guide me and for opportunities to watch others. I didn't want to feel pressure to talk or to do anything until I felt ready. And, I really wanted to feel safe while I explored.
We've designed a special introductory event to allow you --newcomer or experienced player-- to dip your toes in the inviting, yet sometimes scary waters, of sensuality under the watchful gaze of your swimming instructor, the event's facilitator, Andrea of askaphrodite.com.
The next event, titled "Toys for More Joy for Women, Men and Couples" takes place Sat., March 5 from 7:15 to 8:15 pm in Santa Barbara.
Times: 7:15 PM - 8:15 PM ("Show & Tell, an interactive lecture so bring your toys if you are willing); Please arrive by 7:15 pm as we will start promptly at 7:30. No nudity or explicit sexuality during this portion of the evening.
It's only $5 per person and one hour of your time...with no pressure to do anything except gather your courage and show up. Call 805-904-5051 or write to info@askaphrodite.com if you'd like to know more about the event or schedule an appointment for private consultation.
Easy Ways to Expand Your Pleasure for Men: Workshop & Private Sessions Available
Maybe you just would like to expand your pleasure? More pleasure than you've ever imagined is available to you by learning some easy practices.
You will learn some easy techniques to address your concern --whether your issue is that you reach a peak too quickly, have encountered challenges in getting and maintaining erections, suffer from low libido or difficulty in reaching orgasm, or simply a desire for MORE PLEASURE.
As a Santa Barbara resident and woman with over dozen years' experience, Andrea of askaphrodite.com understands your need for compassion, confidentiality and MORE PLEASURE.
So, set aside your embarrassment and call today for a free 20 minute phone consultation. 805-904-505
When: Private sessions available
What: Learn to:
* Activate your sexual energy
* Relax and use your sexual energy as you choose
* Experience more pleasure than ever imagined
How: One to one private coaching sessions
Where: AskAphrodite studio in downtown Santa Barbara
Who: Women, men and couples
How Much: $350 for introductory 90 minute session. Discounts for series. We accept Visa, Mastercard, cash or local checks.
Take the first step and email Info@askaphrodite.com or call 805-904-5051!
Top Five Tips for Dependable Pleasure (Regardless of Age and Even After Prostate Surgery)
I know what he means because I've heard a similar complaint from others who have come to me to learn how to continue to enjoy sensual and sexual pleasure. Remember when you were ateenager and a slight breeze would cause a stirring in your shorts? You may have been embarrassed from time to time about erections showing up at awkward moments. In fact,when you were young, you may have worried about finishing too quickly to satisfy your partner. (If you suffer now from concernsabout reaching orgasm too quickly, take a look at this article, Extending Your Pleasure for Men.) But, when you were young, you also enjoyed a shorter refractory or resting period, the time between ejaculation and a next erection, probably because your levels of testosterone were higher.
Speaking of testosterone, when a new client approaches me wanting to know about how to assure that he can continue to get erections, I suggest that he complete a simple saliva test to look at hormone levels, particularly testosterone. With the test results, his doctor can prescribe a testosterone cream, which when used in conjunction with the exercises below, will greatly improve his performance. Clients also ask about Viagra and Cialis, and I suggest that there is nothing wrong with using them for a boost. Unfortunately, those magic blue pills will only help maintain an erection. They won't help you get an erection without stimulation and possessing vital sexual energy.
There are some very easy things you can do --daily-- to increase your pleasure and reinvigorate your body and boost your amount of sexual energy or vitality. In fact, I recommend that men of all ages begin these easy practices to train their bodies so they can remain vital and healthy for as long as possible. One client who is now in his mid-70s, Ron, has been practicing these techniques since he was in his 20s and is still able to make love with his partner for hours and remain hard for most of that time. (Erections typically rise and fall --and rise again-- during long lovemaking sessions. This is entirely normal.) The exercises don't take a lot of time, can be integrated into your daily life and being able to enjoy pleasure and intimacy is worth it, right? So, here goes for the Top Five Tips for Dependable Pleasure (Regardless of Age and Even After Prostate Surgery).
- Practice self pleasuring which is different from masturbation. Masturbation is how most of us scratch the itch quickly so we can get on to some other activity. Instead, consider it a daily practice without the goal of orgasm, merely for the purpose of arousal to keep the fire of your sexual energy stoked. That way, it takes a smaller spark to bring it to life for lovemaking with your partner. Try touching, stimulating, arousing and caressing our bodies and genitals purely for the pleasure of the touch without seeking orgasm and, in fact, stopping or slowing down the stimulation if we are "too close" to the edge. The great thing about going repeatedly to the edge without ejaculatory orgasm is that orgasms tend to be much more intense when you do ejaculate. And, in fact, if you practice enough, you can actually train your body to experience the sensations of orgasm without ejaculation, which is what can help you to extend your pleasure, and many men will also experience multiple and full body orgasms Now, some men complain that they don't enjoy masturbation, and to that I respond, "Tough! If you are not willing to spend some effort training your body, why would your partner want to spend her time on you?" And, it's likely that if you are successful in using some of these techniques, you may interest her in helping you to raise sexual energy more often.
- Do kegels. You may have heard of kegels as the exercise women are told to do before and after childbirth. Both men and women should do kegels for all of their lives because strong sexual muscles provide stronger orgasms and more sexual energy. To locate the muscle, stop the flow of urine the next time you are peeing. It's sort of like squeezing the anus, but instead, you focus on the sex organ. Do a series of short contractions and then squeeze, hold as long as you are able and then release. Since no one can tell you are doing them, do them frequently whenever you're waiting in line, when you see any kind of street sign. In fact, while driving, do kegels and combine it with a hip thrust to unlock your hips and sexual energy.
- Breathe and visualize your energy. Usually when we are highly aroused, we start breathing faster, even hyperventilating. But, if you consciously slow down your breathing, you'll feel more centered so that you can visualize moving your sexual energy up your spine to the top of your head and then back down again to your penis. This visualizing your energy thing is a little "woo woo" for a lot of people, but give it a try. Fake it 'til you make it, because you can actually create sensation throughout your body simply by imagining it.
- Combine all of these together in daily practice twice a day for at least 15 minutes. And, if you are truly determined, you will work longer at it than that. One man engaged three times daily in self pleasuring often for 30 minutes at a time and, now, at 58, he is able to get an erection whenever he wants and have intercourse for as long as he wants. A tool that has helped some men after recovering from a stroke or surgery is a penis pump. You can order a super-duper $500 pump from Timm Medical called "Erec-Aid ," or the down-scaled $170 version, but the key in either case is your willingness to put the time in. So, why not get started right now with the tool you have in hand, your hand and some good lubricant? Or, for a different sensation, try the Fleshlight Stamina Training System accompanied by a little porn to get you started...
- Expand your idea of sex. Sensual and sexual pleasure can be found in lots of ways besides intercourse. Just because intercourse defined sex for you back in the days when you merely fantasized about it does not mean that intercourse is the only way to enjoy sexual pleasure. Perhaps we need to change our idea of how we get pleasure. To get an idea of how many possibilities there are for erotic stimulation, check out The Human Sex Map. Not many people know that even if a man can not get a strong erection (particularly after prostate surgery, a prostatectomy), he can still have an orgasm with proper stimulation. Both women and men can learn how to touch to give and receive pleasure and learning to enjoy sensual touch is less stressful than other activities, which is why one of the principle techniques I coach men, women and couples to use is touch, providing sensual stimulation with the hands and other body parts. To find your path to more pleasure, contact askaphrodite.com
(c) 2010 askaphrodite.com
Top Five Tips for Extending Your Pleasure So You Can Go as Long as You Like
I replied, "For pretty much every guy, there's a time early on in lovemaking when it's easy to come right away. But, usually, if you slow down or stop the stimulation, you can get past it and cruise on into a 'safe zone' where you can enjoy pretty intense stimulation for quite a long while."
That's the short answer. The long answer is that it take practice to steer yourself consistently into that safe zone. Following are some of the Top Tips I've picked up over the years to help you extend your pleasure (and your partners).
- Practice self pleasuring which is different from masturbation. Masturbation is how most of us scratch the itch quickly so we can get on to some other activity. This kind of quickie masturbation is also how we train our bodies to reach orgasm quickly. So, to re-train our bodies, try touching, stimulating, arousing and caressing our bodies and genitals purely for the pleasure of the touch without seeking orgasm and, in fact, stopping or slowing down the stimulation if we are "too close" to the edge. I recommend using your hand but for a different sensation, you might try the Fleshlight Stamina Training System .
- Get to the edge and back down. The edge --on a scale of one to 10-- is 8.5 or 9 if 10 is where you'll explode. So, bring your body right up there to that edge and then back it down, raise the energy up again, up and down. If you ejaculate, make it a good one! There is nothing wrong with going for an orgasm, or having one catch you by surprise, but the ejaculatory orgasm will be more intense the more times you bring yourself to that edge.
- Breathe. Usually when we are highly aroused, we start breathing faster even hyperventilating. But, if you consciously slow down your breathing, you'll feel more centered rather than right on the edge, ready to fall off the cliff before you are ready.
- Take a pee break. No, I'm not kidding. One doctor I spoke to suggested that pressure from the bladder can make a man feel the urge to ejaculate more strongly. In any case, if you get up out of bed, walk to the bathroom and pee, the break from lovemaking will probably help you to back down from the edge. At least pee before you start!
- Communicate with your partner about this practice before lovemaking so she will understand why you are slowing down or stopping those wildly exciting strokes. A good thing to say is, "I want to be able to give you as much pleasure as you can possibly tolerate so I'm working on riding the edge of pleasure for myself, too." And, you might ask her to lend a hand for your self pleasuring practice.
Additional tips will follow in an article on "Enjoying Full Body and Multiple Orgasms for Men."
(c) 2010 askaphrodite.com
What is Tantra? What can Tantra do for me?
Good question! Why would anyone want to deny pleasure?
Well, let me first de-bunk the myth that Tantra is about denying pleasure. Infact, Tantra --as I teach and practice it-- serves to expand sensualand sexual pleasure.
For individuals and couples, Tantra offers:
- Intimacy
- Passion
- Energy
- Ecstasy (without drugs!)
- An opportunity to heal sexual, spiritual and emotional issues.
After studying
and practicing Tantra for a dozen years, I describe it as practice of
meditation, a way to "be here now." Totally alive and in the moment!
What attracted me initially to Tantra is that, in order to practice, you don't
have to deny the body or sensual pleasure. No sitting for hours on end
with your legs crossed, not moving , watching your breath go in and
out.I’ve tried that kind of meditation and find it very challenging.
And,yet, I know that I --like most people-- need to slow down, clear my
mind and refresh my spirit. That need attracted me to Tantra.
In Tantric practice, you may engage in "sensate focus," paying attention to sensation and pleasure in the body while in a relaxed state. To get the picture, imagine yourself lying down, eyes closed, in a comfortable, safe space, letting go of clocks and time and having no goal but to pay attention to sensations in your body. The Tantrica (practitioner of Tantra, sometimes called a "dakini") serves as your guide, leading you on a journeyto pleasure. At points on the journey, you might inhale pleasant scents,feel a soft caress, sense energy moving throughout your body or taste something divine.
Sound sort of “woo-woo” to you?
Yes,I laugh at this description, too. I’m a practical person, and I need to have things proven to me. Thus, I never push accepting Tantric beliefs or practices. Instead, I ask only that you choose to be a little curious and try it out to see if it's for you. I mean, how bad could it be to give your body, mind and spirit a chance to slow down, relax and not have to do anything –you don’t have to perform or respond in any particular way. The only thing you need to do is pay attention to pleasurable sensations.
That’s it? Just relax, pay attention and enjoy?
Yep,the word
Tantra actually translates as “weaving together” so privates essions are
designed to give you an experience of Tantric meditation, weaving
together sensory delights and exploration.Later, you may decide to go
further and deepen your practice by learning more techniques. But, the
introductory session is guaranteed to be pleasurable, enlightening and
rejuvenating to body, mind and spirit. And you just might learn
something about how to enjoy more pleasure!
Clients have said:
"My first session was incredible! I experienced tingling throughout my entire body and sensations totally out of this world. Can't wait for my next visit!" --Gary from Nipomo
"I've told all my girlfriends about you. They need to stop being so afraid of something new and call you up. Right now!" --Carol from Santa Barbara
In other articles in this blog on “What to Expect in Your First Session,” “Expanding Your Pleasure,” “What
Does This Fabulous Thing Called Tantra Cost?” and “Tantric Daily
Practices,” I’ll explore what delights await you by picking up the phone
or emailing to make an appointment. Just to give you a hint...what made
me schedule my first session was the possibility ofreaching an ecstatic
state --pure pleasure-- beyond anything I'd ever experienced.
© 2010 Andrea for www.askaphrodite.com
Call 805-904-5051 or email info@askaphrodite.com to inquire.
Welcome
Warmly,
Andrea of AskAphrodite.com